Reinvention...

One month.
How much weight can one girl lose?
Let's go.
Stay positive, stay beautiful. <3

Starting fresh...

Good morning lovelies.
You may notice that my layout has gotten an overhaul, as well as my blog name and my blog URL.
Symbolic of a fresh new start.
I want to be the best damn wintergirl there ever has been.
And I shall.
I need to weigh in this morning before I construct my plan.
I need to know my sins before I can attack them and rectify the damage I have done.
Lia has really inspired me.
Is it screwed up that I gain inspiration from a character in a book?
Regardless, she has given me the motivation I needed to take charge of all of this.
I cannot keep screwing up.
I only get this one body, and this one life, so it needs to be exactly how I want it to be.
And it will, in time.
I will do whatever it takes to get there.
Small amounts of food for breakfast and lunch, and then whatever I have to eat for dinner to allay any suspicions that may arise in the future.
And definitely not one calorie over my allowance for the day.
Whatever that will end up being.
Today I promise to get caught up on blogs and comments!
For now, I journey back into the world of sleep briefly before I get up, make some black coffee, and dance with my scale.
The dance of a wintergirl.
Stay positive, stay beautiful. <3

Seriously...read it if you have never. <3

I hate the weekend...

Hello lovelies.
Hope you all are doing well.
Why do I hate the weekend?
Because on the weekend, I binge like a pig.
I cannot keep doing this.
I can feel myself getting heavier, and I hate it.
So I have decided to eat half the calories of my BMR, which is 1462.
Therefore, my new calorie target during the day is 731.
Seems like a reasonable number to me.
And then, as I continue to lose, I will adjust the number accordingly.
Add in drinking the amount of water I am supposed to, which is 73 oz daily, and I should be set.
Oh, and exercising.
At least once a day, if not more!
I am reading Wintergirls, yet again.
I love Lia.
I would much rather be Lia than Cassie, considering the disastrous results of my latest purging efforts.
Lia's BMI is like 16.4.
I could never get that low, but I am thinking of going back to my original goal weight of 93 lbs.
Right there on the brink of underweight.
It should be perfect.
We shall see.
I need to get to my healthy weight before I even think about getting to 93.
Someday, I will achieve it.
We will all achieve our goals.
We can do this!
Hang in there, my lovelies.
Stay positive, stay beautiful. <3

 Wintergirls = AMAZING. <3

I am doing better today...

Good morning, lovelies.
I hope this post finds you well.
I am feeling better this morning.
I still feel as if I got hit by a bus, but I am hanging in there.
Yesterday really freaked me out.
I have never purged blood before.
My boyfriend called me throughout the night to reassure himself that I was still alive.
Today, I am just going to take it easy.
Read books, browse around on YouTube, that sort of thing.
I will also get caught up on blogs today.
I hope that you all are well!
Stay positive, stay beautiful. <3

I like this... <3

Downward spiral...

Purged today for the first time in two weeks.
Vomited blood, figured out I apparently burst an artery in my throat.
I can taste the blood as it pools in my throat.
My boyfriend's mad at me.
I am gonna go lay down.
I hope you all are doing better than I.
Stay positive, stay beautiful. <3

Today is a new day...

And it is mine for the taking!
Good morning, my lovelies.
I am up super early today, partly because I cannot sleep, and partly because my lovely boyfriend decided he was coming to retrieve me at freaking 8 am this morning to kidnap me for the day.
I love him, but 8 am?!
Seriously?
Ugh, that boy.
At least it will get me out of here and keep my mind off how awful yesterday was.
I am still kind of upset about it, but I can only move on from it and do that much better today.
I swear, I am kicking it into overdrive, for real.
No more binge days, no more days without exercise, and no more days of feeling fat and lazy.
From now on, the only thing I am going to feel is fit and as the butterfly inside the chrysalis, changing into something beautiful.
I hope we can all feel that way.
I think that keeping myself adequately hydrated will help a lot.
I am supposed to drink half my body weight in water.
Ugh, not looking forward to it, as I am not partial to the taste of water, and never have been, but you know, gotta do whatever it takes in my pursuit to be thin, beautiful, fit, and the very best I can be.
Food = enemy.
Water = friend.
For the most part, anyway.
I told my boyfriend's mom about my eating disorder yesterday, because I knew it would come out eventually.
It was really hard, considering the daughter she lost to anorexia, but I feel better that she knows about it now.
Of course, she was all like, "You should go see our counselor, I think she could really help you!"
But we all know I am not partial to therapists as far as discussing my eating disorder, so there's a good chance that will never happen.
It makes me feel kind of bad, but the more people that know, the less control I have.
And that control is NOT something I relinquish easily.
Off to get ready for the day and begin my quest, once again, for adequate hydration and perfection!
I am all caught up on blogs, as of now, but I am sure that by the time I return home, you lovelies will have more posts for me to comment on!
And that, I am excited for. :)
Stay positive, stay beautiful! <3

This could not be more true for me today... <3

What an awful day...

Hello my dearest lovelies.
I hope you all had a nice day today.
I did not.
I have been struggling all day.
I gained over the weekend. :(
I am so sad.
146.8.
That is depressing.
Yet I managed to binge today.
What the hell is wrong with me?
I can only hope that tomorrow is better. :\
I do not have much to say today.
I will get caught up on blogs soon.
Stay positive, stay beautiful. <3

That is what I feel like today. I am a hardcore failure, for realz.

Happy Mother's Day!

Hello lovelies.
I hope that any of you who are mothers out there had a fantastic day, and that you all made sure your mother had the Mother's Day they deserve. :)
This eating stuff is getting me down.
I have my "normal" days, and my not-so-normal ones.
Is it sad that I hate my "normal" days and am almost giddy on my not-so-normal ones?
It is like, the less I eat, the happier I feel.
And I am seeing a pattern.
My not-so-normal days are always during the week, while my normal days are on the weekends when I am around my family 24/7.
Sigh.
I kinda hate having normal days.
I just want to lose this weight and become perfect.
And it is not happening fast enough. :(
Bleh.
Going to the mall is always a cause for self-examination.
I am always doing body comparisons with the girls that walk past me.
And they are ALWAYS thinner than I am.
It is so depressing.
I cannot wait for the day when I am on par with those girls.
I have this vision in my head of how I want to/will look when I hit goal.
I will get there.
It is just going to take longer than I thought, because I have zero self-control when I am around my family.
It is like one huge binge when I am with them.
Everything looks amazing, so I have to eat it.
I would much rather restrict than binge.
I do not know why I cannot do that all the time.
Eventually, I will get to where I want to be.
We all will.
We just have to keep our goals in sight.
We can do this!
Stay positive, stay beautiful. <3

This is so inspiring to me, because that right there is my goal weight, and I can only hope I look that amazing! <3

Get out of my head!

Good morning lovelies!
I hope this post finds you all well and happy.
My first week of being home on break has concluded.
And I am already bored out of my mind.
I am not surprised by this at all.
But, never fear.
My "enrichment goals" as my boyfriend's mom calls them, shall keep me occupied.
That, and the three Dickens novels I got at the library yesterday. :)
Does anyone else have a taste for classic novels, or am I the only one?
I love Jane Austen, the Brontes, all of it.
My boyfriend is coming to see me today.
He can always make me happy.
You see, no matter how much I manage to forget and push my ex out of my mind, every once in a while, all the crap he put me through surfaces.
He is the reason my eating disorder got bad during college.
I felt I could never be good enough for him.
That is why I starved, why I purged.
And why I still do, minus the purging now.
I need to be good enough.
His memory and the way he manipulated me, still haunts me.
Sigh.
Someday, I will overcome this.
Not today, but someday.
How are you all doing?
Stay positive, stay beautiful. <3

Love the thigh gap; I cannot wait to have one of my own! <3

The fight continues...

Hello lovelies.
How are you all doing?
Things are okay here.
My boyfriend's birthday was yesterday, and I got to spend it with him.
We had a lot of fun.
I can actually have intellectual conversations with him, and it is really wonderful.
I am not used to having that with a guy.
And I love it.
This summer vacation has been pretty lazy so far.
I am really proud, though.
145.4 this morning!
The number keeps going down, and I keep getting happier.
I just want to be in my "healthy" weight range by the end of the summer.
123 lbs. here I come!
Apparently, the last time I saw my boyfriend (before spending his birthday together), I had an episode.
I collapsed, and he had to give me some meds to bring me back around.
By the sounds of it, if it were not for his knowledge that night, I would have died.
It is a little scary to think about, but what is done is done, and I can only move on from here.
I had the episode because I purged, and it did something funky to my heart.
I am happy to say that I have not purged since having that episode, which means it has been a little over two weeks.
I am beginning my self-improvement goals, and I could not be more excited.
It is now time for me to go catch up on your lovely blogs and lives and leave comments!
Stay positive, stay beautiful. <3

It is almost over...

...and for that, I am so glad!
How are you lovelies doing, hm?
I apologize for not being around more, but finals have had to take priority these last few days.
My last final will be over tomorrow at 2 pm, and I cannot wait for that!
Today is just a chill day for me, study a little bit for my finals, watch some movies on YouTube, that sort of thing.
I cannot wait for the summer to begin.
I have lots of self-improvement goals lined up for myself.
One, and most importantly, get into my healthy weight range by the end of the summer.
I know that hitting goal by August will be impossible, so I am trying to approach it in baby steps.
My healthy weight range begins at 123 lbs, so that is going to be my tentative goal for now.
Then, once I get there, UGW, here I come!
My next self-improvement goal is to get my driver's license and spend the whole summer driving around so I get comfortable with it.
I also want to learn French.
And learn to play the flute.
I have to take a test this summer over everything I have learned in my education classes thus far.
It is the test that will determine if I have what it takes to be a good teacher, essentially.
I am either taking it in June or July, I have not decided yet.
I do not really have much of a clue as to what I weigh at this present moment, but when I went home last weekend, my weight was 150.6 lbs.
Not exactly the level of progress I wanted to see, but any loss in a storm, right?
Haha!
So what have you lovelies been up to?
I plan on getting caught up on blogs and comments today.
Stay positive, stay beautiful!

Haha, love it. <3

The end is in sight!

Hello lovelies!
I hope you are all doing well on this fine Thursday.
I am doing okay.
Not high, not low.
Just kind of here, ya know?
Ever have days like that?
Today is our "study day" and finals begin tomorrow.
I cannot believe that I am so close to graduation.
I will be graduating next December with my Bachelor's Degree and a teaching license in Special Education.
I do not know how to feel about this.
I am excited to start my career, but uneasy about leaving this place that has been my home away from home for the past four years.
Food and eating wise, I think I have been doing okay.
I have managed not to binge these past couple of days, which is always a good thing.
They have scales in our student center, and I think I am going to sneak and weigh myself today to see if I have lost anything.
I went to see one of the school counselors about my food issues on Tuesday, simply to get my friends off my back.
It went exactly as I expected, and I will not be continuing that sort of thing in the future.
I just do not feel as if I need that sort of help.
The counselor told me I was not at severe medical risk.
I thought to myself, "Well, yeah, because I am still fat. Duh."
She thinks my "problem" will "self-correct" once I go home for the summer and am not in this high-stress environment anymore.
Hahaha!
What problem?
How am I supposed to self-correct a problem that does not exist?
The good thing about being short is that I can hit goal and no one will suspect anything because it is technically on the very cusp of being underweight.
I am supposed to go out to eat lunch with my co-workers from the campus radio station.
I am anxious.
None of them know about my issues with food, save for my best friend S, and it is going to be super awkward eating in front of all of them.
Yes, let us put the eating disordered person in the exact environment which causes them the most stress and anxiety, shall we?
Oy vey.
I will get caught up on comments and things as soon as I get back from my lovely food-filled outing.
May the odds be ever in your favor!
Stay positive, stay beautiful. <3

I can only hope I look like that someday...

I have a habit of disappearing...

Hello lovelies.
I hope that you are all well and that this post finds you in a positive mood.
I have missed you all oh so very much.
Mood wise, I have my up days and my down ones.
Weight wise, I am a fatty.
153 lbs. according to the scale at Urgent Care when they weighed me on Thursday.
I had to go to Urgent Care because I screwed up my ankle.
But with some pain meds and an Ace wrap, I can at least walk on the damn thing now.
I need to get this under control, this whole weight and eating thing.
I am so tired of being fat, I am so tired of gaining weight.
This is ridiculous.
If I am going to do this, and do it right, I gotta commit.
And so I am.
Right now.
I will do whatever it takes to achieve my goal weight and keep the weight off.
I do not care if people think I am too thin once I get there.
I will be happy, and that is all that matters.
How are you lovelies doing?
I am going to go post some comments now. :)
Stay positive, stay beautiful! <3

Someday I hope my legs look that amazing.

Ugh, it never gets easier.

Hello lovelies.
I hope you are all doing splendidly.
I feel like a big fat balloon.
My last known weight is 148 lbs.
I cannot stomach this.
Less food, more exercise!
You know, when I watched "A Secret Between Friends", I always remembered Jenn saying that she felt lighter and faster when she ate less.
I was not sure about the validity of this statement.
But it is actually true.
I feel pretty damn invincible when I do not eat.
Therefore, no food for as long as I can help it.
The hunger is more annoying than anything else at this point.
The tummy growls give me away every time; any clues on how to minimize these when you are trying to eat less?
Other than being a fatty, I am not doing too badly these days.
I promise to get caught up on everything when I have some time.
Oh, and my new favorite series I found online is What's Eating You, about people with different ED's.
But anyway, just wanted to post a quick update.
I love all of you so much!
Stay positive, stay beautiful! <3

I promise, I'm not dead...

Hello lovelies.
Between school, work, and sickness, my blog has fallen by the wayside.
Sincerest apologies from me.
As far as the weight ordeal, I am gaining for sure.
I have been going back and forth between bingeing and starving and have not the faintest idea how to break this damn cycle.
Any thoughts?
Um, I have been talking to this new guy I met on an online dating site (do not judge, lol, though I know you will not)
School has been crazy hectic, I have had a lot of my first exams this week in my different classes.
And I either have the flu or a nasty sinus infection.
The jury is still out.
This weekend I am going formal dress shopping with mi madre.
Excited because I have a lot more options now that I am smaller, mad because I am still not happy!
I will let you lovelies know if I find anything good. :)
I am going to comment on blogs now, darn it!
I will be weighing myself sometime this weekend, if I do not do it tonight.
Hope all is going well for all of you!!!
I have missed you.
Stay positive, stay beautiful. <3


Something about this picture just strikes me...I love it. <3

Day 264 - Suspended Animation

Hello lovelies.
Hope this post finds you well.
How is your 2012 going so far?
Mine is...okay.
I need to get out of here and get back to school.
Yet I also want to stay here forever.
I love my lazy days.
I have to pack tonight and tomorrow.
I start work again on Thursday morning, which means I move back tomorrow evening.
This is good, and bad.
Bad because I actually have to start doing things and worrying about stuff again.
Good because, well, I can be sneaky. ;)
I can get away with a lot more at school.
I really need to get back into shape.
I have the visions in my head of what I want to look like at goal swimming in my head.
Along with the inspiration from Lexi, Jenn, and Lia. ;)
Kudos if you can figure out what references I am making.
And God's guidance too.
I asked Him not to let me fall in love again unless it was with the guy He wanted me to be with forever.
I always had these preconceived notions of the guy I thought I would end up with.
I am learning, slowly, to let those notions go and to keep an open mind.
I know, eventually, the right one will come into my life.
As my mom says, when I least expect it.
Until then, my reinvention shall continue to commence.
For me, and no one else.
Make it happen.
Shock everyone.
Stay positive, stay beautiful. <3

Day 262 - HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Hello lovelies!
Happy New Year!
I hope this post finds you all well.
I spent my New Year's Eve getting drunk with my aunts, haha.
I have tons of goals for myself this year!
Let the list commence!
1. Eat to live, not live to eat.
2. Exercise every day.
3. Stay hydrated!
4. Do not rely so much on the scale.
5. Cut back on the food.
6. Dress to inspire confidence in yourself.
7. No more biting your nails!
8. Be more positive and sociable.
9. Being clean is good.
10. Take better care of Jen. (my assistance dog)
11. Be less of a procrastinator.
12. Get closer to God.
13. Stay away from alcohol.
14. Sleep.
15. Be more frugal.
I am super excited to begin!
I hope you are all having a fantastic New Year! :)
Stay positive, stay beautiful. <3

Food:
- 1 cup green beans (+44 calories)
- 1 cup mashed potatoes w/ 1/2 cup gravy (+236 calories)
- 1 cup noodles (+221 calories)
- 1 chicken leg (+264 calories)
- 1 chicken thigh (+153 calories)
- 1 roll with 1 tbsp. butter (+167 calories)

Total: 1,085 calories