Day 45 - Back Into It

Hello lovelies!
Hope you are all having a wonderful day so far!
Yesterday was fun, but not.
Fun because I got to see my family, but not fun because of all the food I ate.
I feel heavier this morning, which definitely does not make me happy.
Every time I let loose and eat whatever I want within reason, it reminds me of why I changed my diet to only healthy foods in the first place.
When I eat a whole bunch of unhealthy food, I feel sluggish and tired and just plain sick, and I am craving food again within two to three hours after I have eaten.
When I eat healthy foods, I feel light, satisfied, and just really good.
Huge difference.
I like eating healthy food a lot better, because not only do I feel better about it, I feel better because of it.
And let us not forget the water!
That is a huge part of it, too.
It is the key, really.
When you are well hydrated, your body looks and feels so much better, and you have so much more energy.
That is why I stay away from the juices, sodas, and vitamin waters.
It is just like I told my boyfriend: I do not drink my calories, I eat them.
I feel like any calories I drink are empty ones, and I am not going to waste my calorie budget if I am not getting any benefit from it.
Anyway, I think I am going to go get ready for the day, eat some yogurt, and enjoy the beautiful sunshine. :)
Have a great day, lovelies; hang in there and stay strong! <3

Food:
- 1 chicken, bacon, and cheese Lean Pocket (+280 calories)
- 1/4 cup indulgent trail mix (+200 calories)
- 1 serving rigatoni pasta (+210 calories)
- 1 serving four cheese spaghetti sauce (+50 calories)
- 3 turkey meatballs (+120 calories)
- 1 piece garlic bread (+180 calories)
- 1 push up (+90 calories)
- 7 honey wheat pretzel twists (+77 calories)
Total: 1,207/1,208 calories

Water: 44/76 fl. oz.

This picture really resonated with me today... <3

Day 44 - American Pride

Good morning lovelies.
A very happy Memorial Day to you all!
Today is a day when we celebrate many things.
We celebrate our soldiers, whether active or veteran.
To me, each and every soldier is a hero.
We will never know the true extent of the sacrifices soldiers make when fighting for our country.
Today, we celebrate those sacrifices.
We celebrate the contributions that soldiers have made to our nation.
But, perhaps most importantly, we also celebrate our national pride.
And when I think about it, we should not just celebrate our national pride today.
We should celebrate it EVERY day.
Why does our celebration of our national pride always have to involve so much food?
Hot dogs, hamburgers, potato salad, pasta salad, scalloped potatoes, noodles, strawberry shortcake, torte, the list goes on and on.
The majority of my extended family is either overweight or obese.
They love food.
Sigh.
I guess I love food, too, I just have the willpower to say no.
I am feeling really good today.
I think it is because I ate more.
I was chugging water like nobody's business yesterday, haha!
I am supposed to drink 76 fl. oz. of water every day.
Half my body weight.
Cheers.
I hope you all have a fantastic Memorial Day and that the weather is beautiful wherever you are so that you can go outside and enjoy it!
Hang in there and stay strong, lovelies. <3

Food:
- 1 container Yoplait Light Strawberry Shortcake yogurt (+110 calories)
- 1 kielbasa sandwich (+374 calories)
- 1/2 cup onion potatoes (+110 calories)
- 1/2 cup cheesy potatoes with bacon (+240 calories)
- 1/2 cup pasta salad (+160 calories)
- 1 cup pineapple and strawberries with 2 tbsp. fruit dip (+134 calories)
- 1/2 cup taco dip w/ 10 Tostitos Scoops (+200 calories)
- 1/2 piece butterscotch pie (+105 calories)
- 1 piece chocolate pie (+141 calories)
- 1 piece ice cream cake (+500 calories)
- 2 cheese stuffed pretzels (+130 calories)
Total: 2,204/1,334 calories

FML I HATE THE FLIPPING HOLIDAYS. Gain, gain, gain. >.<

Water: 32/76 fl. oz.

"And I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free. And I won't forget the men who died, who gave that right to me. And I'll gladly stand up next to you, and defend her still today. 'Cause there ain't no doubt, I love this land...God bless the USA."

Day 43 - Change.

Hello lovelies.
Hope you are all having a wonderful day thus far.
Thank you so much for all of your comments on my post yesterday; your insight has given me a lot to think about.
Yesterday was not exactly fun.
We went to a sit down place for lunch and I ate like 3 rolls, my huge sandwich, and half my steak fries.
We also went to Hollister, which seems to be my own personal hell.
I could never fit into any of their clothes with the way that I am now.
But I did get some cute things at Aeropostale, and I actually went into American Eagle for the first time ever, since I think I can fit into their clothes now. :)
I went on a bit of a binge last night.
I know I gained this morning, I can feel it.
I am making some more changes to my daily plan.
It is obvious to me that eating between 500 and 800 calories a day is not enough food for me to lose weight like I should be.
So I am going to up my calories a little bit and see if that speeds things along.
I am also going to add more reps of everything to my workout plan, and do it three times a day.
I calculated how many calories I am supposed to be eating every day.
It says for extreme fat loss, I should be eating 1,333 calories every day.
It also gave me a calorie zig-zag plan for one week.
It goes a little something like this:
Monday: 1,334 calories
Tuesday: 1,208 calories
Wednesday: 1,600 calories
Thursday: 1,334 calories
Friday: 1,208 calories
Saturday: 1,467 calories
Sunday: 1,334 calories
Now, it may seem like a lot to you, but I am up for trying anything at this point.
I am going to start today, and weigh in one week.
If I have lost weight, that tells me that eating more is the way to go.
I guess we will see what happens.
I wish you all best of luck today!
Hang in there and stay strong, lovelies. <3

Food:
- 1 piece steak (+575 calories; this is why I do not ever eat this stuff)
- 10 sweet potato fries (+140 calories; did not like them too well)
- 1 1/2 cups broccoli (+45 calories)
- 1 push up (+90 calories)
- 10 saltines (+120 calories)
- 1/4 cup indulgent trail mix (+200 calories)
- 10 honey wheat pretzel twists (+110 calories)

Total: 1,280/1,334 calories

Water: 44/76 fl. oz.

Yup, looks like it is time for change... <3

Day 42 - Say What?

Hello lovelies.
I hope you are all having a wonderful day so far.
I just weighed myself, and I am incredibly confused.
148.8?!
Say what, now?
What am I doing wrong? :\
Why am I GAINING weight?
I have been doing so well, eating less and exercising more, not eating junk food, not drinking soda.
Part of me thinks I should just abandon the scale entirely for a while.
Keep doing what I am doing, but do not weigh obsessively.
Keep alert for changes in my body, instead of going by the number on the scale.
It is going to be so hard to do, because for so long, my days have been dictated by the number that pops up on that scale each morning.
Eventually, I am hoping that I will find the right combination of intake and exercise that will finally allow this weight to steadily drop off of me.
God knows, I deserve it!
I have been working so hard, and to keep seeing myself GAIN?
Talk about depressing.
Sigh.
I want to go do something today.
I want to go buy myself a book, watch a movie, go shopping, something.
But then, that would feel like a reward.
Which I partially feel like I do not deserve, since all I have been doing is gaining weight, not losing it.
I hate this.
I want to break the cycle so badly.
I am not giving up.
But I cannot help but wonder if I am going to be in this exact same situation 12 weeks from now when I move back to university.
I guess only time and hard work will tell.
Have a fantastic day, lovelies.
Hang in there and stay strong! <3

**EDIT 5:26 pm** Ahem. I am never eating again. At least, I am never eating out again. We went to Texas Roadhouse for lunch and I have THE worst heartburn ever. This is awful. I realize now why I only eat healthy foods these days. As if that were not bad enough, we had to get a birthday present for my cousin and we went to freaking Hollister. I could fit one arm in their large tops. Nothing XL in the entire store. Only an anorexic girl or a teenybopper could fit into that stuff and pull it off. Oh, the irony. :\

I will try my hardest to break the cycle...I am stronger than it is. <3

Day 41 - Reinvent Yourself

Hello lovelies.
I apologize for my uber depressing post late last night.
I was (obviously) really low and did not know where else to turn for support.
I did not want to talk to my boyfriend about it because I thought he felt like everyone else did, that I was an annoyance.
But I got texts and voicemails from him asking me to call him because he missed me.
So I did.
And that was rough.
I found it ironic at one point, though.
See, he has a bit of disordered eating as well, but the reverse of mine.
He is prone to binge eating.
At one point in our conversation, he was trying to give me diet advice.
I was chuckling to myself.
The binge eater giving the anorexic advice about food.
Hahaha!
I love him though, because all he was trying to do was help.
I would not change him for anything.
He is mine and I love him. :)
I do not know what to say about my weight today.
I weighed three different times, got three different weights.
147.6, 146.8, 148.2.
So I do not know what I weigh today.
I am not going to worry about it for the moment.
I was thinking last night as I was trying to sleep what I should do with the negative feedback I got from my mom and sister; they are the ones I was with when I went out to dinner last night.
I came to a conclusion.
I am going to use their feedback as motivation to reinvent myself.
I am going to ramp up the exercise regime to three times a day: once before breakfast, once after lunch, and once after dinner.
I am only going to eat unless I am being watched.
And then, I am only going to eat half of everything, unless it is fruit, veg, or calcium.
Absolutely no junk foods.
Absolutely no soda, not even diet.
Let us see how far I can get this summer.
I am going to do this.
I am going to reinvent myself.
I have the determination, drive, and strength to do this.
Bring it on, world.
Let us see how radically one girl can change herself in 12 weeks.
Let's go. <3

Food:
-1/2 a regular Arby's roast beef sandwich (+180 calories)
- 1 Arby's potato cake (+130 calories)
- 1 crescent cheese dog roll up (+340 calories)
Total: 650 calories

I had to write down the calorie information for the crescent cheese dog while the ingredients were still in the fridge. Did not want to arouse suspicion by rooting through the trash afterward for the wrappers! My mom made another comment at lunch when I did not finish my roast beef sandwich. She made a face and said, "You really cannot eat a whole sandwich?" To which I replied, "I do not WANT to eat a whole sandwich." I watched in satisfaction as she gulped down the biggest size of sweet tea Arby's had to offer, a regular roast beef, a potato cake, AND a cherry turnover, while all I ate was half a sandwich and one potato cake. :) Her lunch total: 1,110 calories. My lunch total: 310 calories. VICTORY IS MINE!

Soooo....my dad brought me a square of the chocolate peanut butter dessert that my mom made. I called on a classic ana trick. I smeared the dessert around the plate so that the plate was messy enough to look like I had actually eaten it, then I smushed it up, put it in some toilet paper, and flushed it. Then I walked out to the kitchen, said to my mom, "That was really quite good. Messy as all get out, but really good.", showed her my messy plate, and cleaned it. I am so proud of myself. WIN! :D

Water: 24.9 fl. oz.

The picture says it all... <3

Day 40 Pt. 2 - Failure.

Anyone else want to yell at me because I cannot finish a meal?
Anyone else want to yell at me because I had difficulty eating breaded cauliflower?
Anyone else want to yell at me because I do not want to eat junk food?
Anyone else want to force me to finish food I am not comfortable eating?
Anyone else want to make me feel like a complete flipping idiot?

Cannot stop crying. Just want to give up.
Help.
HELP ME. :'( </3

Day 40 - And This is Why We Do It...

Hello lovelies!
Hope you are all having a fantastic Thursday!
I am much happier and less blah than I was yesterday.
I woke up to a loss this morning, yay!
147.6 today. :)
I am happy I lost weight, but I would love to see a number other than 148 or 147 on that scale.
I guess I need to ramp up the exercise even more.
I do not know about you, but when I see a loss, it encourages me a) not to eat b) to drink more water and c) to exercise more.
Because this is why we Anas do what we do.
To see a loss on that scale.
No matter how big or small it is, it is still a loss.
And that is what we crave.
Because it means we are doing something right.
I do not know about you, but I think I am kind of territorial in the weight loss department.
Let me explain, if that did not make sense.
I feel like losing weight is MY thing, what I am best at.
Whenever I learn that someone else is trying to lose weight, say, my roommate for instance, I get incredibly competitive.
I work as hard as I can, always, because I strive to be smaller and have more progress than the other person losing weight.
BECAUSE I HAVE TO BE THE BEST AT THIS.
I am an Ana.
This is supposed to be one of the things I am good at.
Losing weight, and keeping it off.
When I feel like someone is honing in on my territory and threatening my chances of being number one, I am out for blood.
I will do anything in my power to make sure I am the most successful.
Wow, looking at that, I think I sound kind of scary.
I think I may have over-exaggerated my competitiveness a bit.
But do you understand where I am coming from?
Are any of the rest of you this way when it comes to weight loss?
Today is going to be full of water, exercise, and distractions.
I notice I sleep a lot.
Because when you sleep, you do not have to be physically tempted by food.
Cheers to that!
Anyway, off to comment blogs now!
Hope all of you have a fantastic day!
Hang in there and stay strong, lovelies. <3

Food:
- 5 saltines (+60 calories)
- 1 Ham & Cheddar Lean Pocket (+270 calories)
- 1 cup applesauce (+194 calories)
- 1/2 cup breaded cauliflower (+232 calories)
- 1 roll w/ butter spread (+122 calories)
- 2 grilled chicken breasts without skin/breading (+240 calories)
Total: 1,118 calories

What do I have to lose? The stupid fat girl who is trapping the skinny girl inside me! <3

Day 39 - One Hundred Percent

Hello lovelies!
I hope you are all having a good Wednesday!
There is good news, and okay news today.
The good news is, I am back to my old self, finally.
One hundred percent, hence the blog title, haha.
The okay news is that I am still 148.6 today.
I have not lost, but I have not gained, either.
This tells me I need to work harder.
Less junk food and more water.
More, more, more water.
I want to be in the 130's by sometime in June.
We are going on vacation from June 26 (my parents' wedding anniversary) to July 3, and I NEED to look good for the beach!
I love the beach and I hate it at the same time.
Love it because I get to see tons of walking thinspo every day.
Hate it because I am not yet one of them.
BUT I WILL GET THERE.
And so will each of you. :)
I am probably going to spend this day as I have spent all my others.
Reading and commenting blogs, reading books, watching TV, playing games.
It is nice not to have any pressing responsibilities, but at the same time it can get boring.
Sigh.
Hope you all have a fantastic day; you deserve it!
Hang in there and stay strong lovelies. <3

Food:
- 5 saltines (+60 calories)
- 1 chicken, broccoli, and cheddar Lean Pocket (+260 calories)
- 1 serving chicken noodle casserole (+320 calories)
- 1 saltine (+12 calories)
- 1 Chewy Dipps Peanut Butter granola bar (+150 calories)
Total: 802 calories

Ugh, I was only going to eat half of it, but then my mom said, "If you cut your plate in half and eat exactly half of that, I am going to smack you!" I do not understand why my only eating half of things bugs her so much. Sigh.

I WILL look like that one day... <3

Day 38 - No Words

Hello lovelies.
I hope you are all having a great day so far.
I woke up feeling really weak today.
All I want to do is sleep.
I do not want to do much else.
When I looked at my cell phone this morning, I got incredibly confused.
There are a bunch of incoherent text messages from me to my boyfriend from last night.
I DO NOT REMEMBER SENDING THEM.
I felt really weak last night, too, and was drinking a bunch of water.
I blacked out, which I am guessing went along with my feeling of weakness.
The last thing I remember sending him was about how I blacked out.
He told me I needed to do something about it, so I went and laid down, and I THOUGHT I went to sleep after that, around 11 pm.
But apparently, I did not.
Because there are text messages from me to him and vice versa until almost 1 am.
They are frightening, partially because half of them do not make sense, and partially because I do not remember sending them.
Another thing I discovered was that while I thought I was sleeping, I apparently ate the rest of the candy in my Easter basket.
I went to throw it away this morning, and discovered it was all gone.
I guess that explains why I am up to 148.6 today, then.
I have absolutely no recollection of what went on late last night.
I am going to call my boyfriend today, and hopefully he can help me figure this out.
This is freaky.
I am not eating anything today.
Still feeling weak.
Going to drink lots of water and take it easy.
I hope the rest of you have a wonderful day today; you deserve it.
Hang in there and stay strong lovelies. <3

Food:
- 1 philly cheesesteak sub, plain (+471 calories)
Total: 471 calories

Ugh, I hate family dinners. That was my first food of the day and it will probably be my last. I do not know if I am going to exercise tonight or not. I still do not feel quite well. There is good news though. My boyfriend passed his kidney stone this morning, so at least he is not in any more pain. :) I really need to see a loss on the scale tomorrow, or I am going to be so disappointed.

I may never know what happened last night... <3

Day 37 - Reassurance

Hello lovelies!
I hope everyone is having a fantastic day so far!
My day is not going to be filled with much today.
I have a meeting at 5 pm at my university campus with a bunch of my Education professors and other distinguished people, mostly practicing teachers.
I am on a committee to redesign the Special Education major at my university.
If you did not know what my major at university was before, you do now. :D
I am excited, because after this meeting, I am getting paid $500 for my year's worth of work on the committee. :)
Not too bad, hm?
Yesterday was all right.
Hung out, reading books, and I watched Girl, Interrupted.
Then I fell asleep after watching the movie.
I really need to stop doing that, watching depressing movies and then falling asleep.
That always leads to me having bad dreams.
I will not go into details, but let us just say it involves re-creation of the suicide scene in Girl, Interrupted.
Me in place of Daisy, my boyfriend in place of Susanna.
Sigh.
I talked to my boyfriend for two hours last night.
I told him about the dream and it made him sad. :(
But it also made him determined.
He told me that he would do everything in his power to make sure that never became my reality.
He also told me that I would always be pretty enough for him, and to stop putting myself down so much and being afraid that he is going to leave.
We are essentially the same person, he and I.
We always get paranoid about the exact same things, and we are to the point where we can finish each other's thoughts. :)
I guess that is why our relationship has worked out so well for so long.
Thirteen months. :)
It gets difficult sometimes, because when I am at home and he is at home, we are three hours apart.
But we make do with what we have.
All in the name of love. :D
Anywho, I should probably go get myself ready for today!
I will comment blogs in a bit.
Oh, and hello and welcome, new followers!
Thanks for reading and commenting, your support means the world to me!
Hang in there and stay strong, lovelies! <3

Food:
- 1 Yoplait Light Boston Creme Pie yogurt (+110 calories)
- 1 grilled chicken gyro (UNKNOWN)
- 15 to 20 French fries (UNKNOWN)
- 1/2 a slice of chocolate peanut butter pie (UNKNOWN)
Total: 110 calories + UNKNOWN

Sigh. My sister and I went out for lunch and that is what I got. I know I am going to see a gain on the scale tomorrow and I feel awful about that. My boyfriend texted that he has a kidney stone, and we have a mental connection such that any pain or emotion one of us feels, the other feels it as well in sympathy. Not fun, let me tell you. They say that passing a kidney stone is the male equivalent of giving birth. They are not lying! Argh. Going to be taking it easy the rest of the night, then. Cheers. :/

There is just something about this picture that draws me in. I love it. <3

Day 36 - Chillin'

Hello lovelies!
I hope you are all having a fantastic day so far!
Mine has been uneventful.
I woke up, showered, got dressed, and now I am here.
I do not have anything to do today.
Which means that I will probably read a book, read and comment blogs, and finish watching the True Life episode I started yesterday.
I am also thinking about watching Girl: Interrupted today.
It has been a while since I have seen it, and it is my absolute favorite movie of all time.
Have any of you seen it?
What did you think of it?
I love it.
Yes, it is tragic, can get graphic at times, and can be difficult to watch in parts, but I think it is a beautiful piece of work.
Oh, I am down .8 of a pound today which puts me back at 148 even.
Cheers to that! :)
I do not have a lot to talk about today, since nothing exciting is really going on.
I hope you all have a wonderful day; you deserve it!
Hang in there and stay strong, lovelies! <3

Food:
- 1 Yoplait Light Strawberry Shortcake Yogurt (+110 calories)
- 1 piece French toast w/ butter (+178 calories)
- 1/4 cup syrup (+210 calories)
- 2 sausage links (+88 calories)
- 5 saltines (+60 calories)
- 4 whole grain sandwich crackers w/ cheese (+127 calories)
Total: 773 calories

Best movie ever! Daisy is my favorite character in this one, played by Brittany Murphy (RIP) <3

Day 35 - Happiness :)

Hello lovelies!
I hope you are all doing amazing today!
Yesterday was uneventful for me.
Though I did manage to resist ice cream cake, which was a HUGE step for me, considering my willpower is rubbish 99.9% of the time.
Since my period is finally over, I am going to weigh in today, to see how much I have lost since I got back from my cruise.
Post-cruise weight was about 156, ugh.
And today my weight is...148.8 lbs!
YAY!
Ana, I love you!
I am so happy now. :D
I have no clue what we are doing today; it ultimately involves food shopping and lunch of some sort.
I am beginning to make a list of the most healthy foods to get at chain restaurant places, so that way, I can still eat when I go out with friends and family, but I will not be eating tons of calories doing it.
I am going to save the list on my cell phone so that I always have it with me. :)
I feel like commenting blogs now, so I think that is what I will do. :)
Here is hoping that all of you lovelies have a fantastic Saturday; it is so beautiful outside here today!
Hang in there and stay strong! <3

**EDIT 3:39 pm**
Food:
- 1/2 a plate of Cracker Barrel's Strawberry & Grilled Chicken Salad [spring mix, pineapple, strawberries, sunflower seeds, and grilled chicken with a lemon pepper vinaigrette dressing] (CALORIES UNKNOWN)
- 5 saltine crackers (+60 calories)
- 1 Kashi TLC Dark Chocolate Coconut Fruit & Grain Bar (+120 calories)
- 5 honey wheat pretzels with fat free mustard (+55 calories)
- 1 slice American cheese (+70 calories)
- 5 saltine crackers (+60 calories)
- 1 Special K bar (+90 calories)
Total: 455 calories + UNKNOWN

Sigh. I have no clue how many calories were in that salad, but it was SO GOOD. Ahhhh. I do not regret my choice for a second. Especially since I then spent like two hours or so walking around Wal-Mart and Big Lots afterward. :) I got an EDNOS bracelet today at Wal-Mart. It is actually supposed to be a magnetic therapy bracelet but I thought it was pretty enough to be my EDNOS bracelet. It is black and hot pink beads with these ornate silver squares with magnets in the middle of them. I love it. :) I wish I could post a pic but my phone did not take a very good one. :(

My enemy, my friend. <3

Day 34 - Dealing with My Emotions

Hello lovelies!
I hope everyone had a great day yesterday and is having a wonderful one so far today.
Last night, well, sucked, honestly.
I had what I would consider a setback, although for most people who are not anorexic, they would have thought nothing of it.
I went out to dinner with my family and got so much food.
You would think that I would have stopped after I had eaten about half, because that is what I usually do.
Not this time.
I got a salad with Italian dressing and croutons, pasta salad, a huge piece of country fried steak with that white gravy on top of it, potato wedges, and a piece of apple pie.
And I ate every last bit of it.
As I said, a person not dealing with anorexia would think that was fine, it was a full meal, it tasted good, etc.
Not me.
Every bite I put in, I felt like I could feel the calories turning to fat on my body.
But I felt extreme pressure from my parents and sister to clean my plate.
My family has always been one to not only clear their plates, but have seconds as well.
I do not do well under pressure, so I ate every last bite, just to please them, even though I felt like crying with every bite I took.
We went to the store afterward because my parents needed to pick up some things.
I just sat in the car, held my stomach, and cried.
I fought the urge to purge, even though I wanted to so badly.
When I got home, I shut myself in my room, texted my boyfriend, and cried some more.
I hated telling him about it, because I knew it was going to upset him, but he always told me that if something was bothering me, he wanted to know about it, so that he could help me in the best way that he knew how.
I did double the exercise I would normally do after eating; anything to get rid of the awful food in my stomach.
I spent the night watching ED documentaries to make myself feel better.
Do any of you ever experience these kinds of episodes when you feel you have "binged", or eaten foods that you consider to be "bad" ones?
I am really hoping that today is a lot better...
Hang in there and stay strong, lovelies. <3

**EDIT 6:06 pm**
Food:
- 1 fruit cocktail snack bowl (+70 calories)
- 1 Hawaiian Punch Polar Blast drink mix packet (+10 calories)
- KFC mashed potatoes and gravy (+120 calories)
- 1 chicken leg (+120 calories)
- 1 chicken wing (+120 calories)
- 1 chicken thigh (+250 calories)
Total: 690 calories

They had ice cream cake. I really wish they would have asked me if I wanted a slice before dishing it out. Then I could have said "no", and they would not have cut me a slice, so I would not have had to feel bad when I told them "I do not really want any right now, thanks". That is what I told my twin when she came back with a slice of the cake for me, and she got really mad at me, exclaimed, "It's already cut!" and stormed out of my room with the cake in hand. Is this how it is going to go every single time I try to refuse disgusting junky food? If so, this is going to be a very long road, indeed. :\ BUT I RESISTED! Which is super good, considering my lack of willpower yesterday evening. So yeah, just thought I would share that. Me + Ana = 1, Cake = 0! :D

One day, that will be me. <3

Day 33- Late Night Eating

Hello lovelies!
I must admit, I am disappointed in myself this morning.
You see, I was doing really well yesterday, but then, right before I went to sleep, I got the urge to go out to the kitchen and eat some of the pizza leftover from dinner.
I had two more slices, bringing my calorie total to 1,059 for the day.
I guess that is not totally horrible, but I felt so guilty afterward.
This happens almost every day.
I do really, really well with my eating during the day, and then at night, it all goes to hell.
I am a horrible late-night eater.
It has always been this way.
I can remember back in my elementary school days, when I would purposely wake up at like 3 am or so, go out to the kitchen, grab a bag of barbecue crisps (we always had them in the house then), sit in front of the television, and just eat and eat.
Most times, I was good at being sneaky, but I did get caught a couple of times.
And I was not even ashamed when I got caught; I was more angry than anything else.
Sigh.
And I was hoping to break the cycle.
Any ideas on how to avoid compulsive late-night binging/overeating?
I am at the end of my rope with this.
I will never be thin and perfect if I carry on this way.
I am planning on keeping myself busy today, so that I do not think about food at all.
I hope you all have a fantastic day today!
Hang in there and stay strong, my lovelies. <3
**EDIT 8:05 pm**
Food:
- 1 Carnation Instant Breakfast Essentials packet w/ 1 cup skim milk (+160 calories)
- 3 pretzel rods (+55 calories)
- 1 Hawaiian Punch Polar Blast drink mix packet w/ 16 oz. water (+10 calories)
- 1 cup lettuce with 2 tbsp Italian dressing (+94 calories)
- potato wedges (+123 calories)
- country fried steak w/ gravy (+535 calories)
- 1 piece apple pie (+296 calories)
Total: 1,273 calories

I feel like utter rubbish at the moment. I should not have eaten that. And I cannot purge, not here, with my parents and sister around. I am going to try to exercise a little bit. I feel so guilty and anxious now. I HATE FOOD!!!!!!!!!!! :'(

I bet she does not overeat at night! <3

Day 32 - Bored, So Bored

Hello lovelies!
I hope you are all having a great day so far!
So it is now Wednesday.
I am halfway through my first real week of summer vacation.
And I am bored already.
Time to brainstorm different things to do to keep myself occupied!
Cleaning is a huge one; this house is a wreck.
Especially my bedroom.
I still have not unpacked from college yet.
There are clothes and things pretty much taking control of my entire bedroom.
Not anymore!
I begin the cleaning process today!
I am going to see how much of it I can get sorted out.
Yesterday went really well food-wise, I am excited to make today even better!
Mostly, I am just excited to get all this dog hair and dust out of my room so that I can breathe again!
My dog sheds so much!
And she is a black Labrador Retriever, so there is no hiding all that fur!
Well, now I am off to comment blogs and begin my cleaning spree.
Cheers!
Hang in there and stay strong, lovelies!
**EDIT 11:45 pm**
Food:
- 4 boneless buffalo wings (+180 calories)
- 3 pretzel rods (+55 calories)
- 1 can Pine-Orange Banana juice (+100 calories)
- 2 pieces pepperoni pizza (+362 calories)
- 2 more pieces pizza (+362 calories)
Total: 1,059 calories

This is one of my absolute favorite thinspiration pictures; she is so tiny! :) I will get there one day, and be someone else's thinspiration. :D <3

Day 31 - Where is My Control?

Hello lovelies!
I am in a strange mood today.
I feel like I should make my plan for weight loss much more specific, so I know what I need to do each day and it becomes routine.
So here we go. :)
The Plan:
- Eat between 500 and 800 calories a day during the week.
- Always eat something for breakfast!
- Drink at least 64 oz. of water every day.
- Vary your calorie intake each day so your metabolism does not get too comfortable.
- Eat at LEAST one fruit and one vegetable each day. (I hate most veg so this is going to be a little more difficult, plus the only fruit and veg we ever buy is specifically for my sister's guinea pig to eat...)
- After eating each time, do the following exercise to help counteract what you have eaten:
- 100 twisting crunches
- 100 regular crunches
- 100 jackknifes
- 75 reps on each arm of reverse dumbbell curls and regular dumbbell curls
- 100 regular pushups
- Update your blog with detailed accounts of what you have eaten and how much, so you can be accountable for every bite you put in your mouth.
- 1000 calories allowed on Saturdays and Sundays (so my parents do not get too suspicious)
- Weigh in on Friday morning each week, unless you have your period. (like I do this week, ugh)
- Find your multivitamin, and begin taking it daily. (I do not know where it got to!)
- Absolutely only healthy foods; follow your food pyramid!
- Soda is ok as long as it is diet (I LOVE Diet Pepsi, it is like my vice)

I think that is pretty much it.
I do not think I have forgotten anything.
Hopefully not, anyway.
I am going to post this on the side, so I will always be able to look at it each day.
Time to go comment blogs!
I am so thankful for all of you who read and comment my blog regularly!
Your support means the world to me.
Hope you have a great day, lovelies.
Hang in there and stay strong! <3

**EDIT 6:49 pm:
Food:
- 1 packet banana bread flavor Quaker Weight Control oatmeal (+160 calories)
- 1 can spicy hot V8 juice (+70 calories)
- 1 stuffed shell without sauce (+115 calories)
- 1 piece garlic cheese toast (+170 calories)
- 1 graham cracker (+70 calories)
- 6 Pennysticks pretzel rods (+110 calories)
Total so far: 695 calories

Just a little reminder, though there is no way I am going to eat that much! <3

Day 30 - Water Fast

Hello lovelies!
I hope you are all having a great day so far!
Today, I am doing a water fast.
24 hours from midnight to midnight.
By technicality, I have already fasted 10 of the 24 hours just by sleeping and showering and all that jazz, hehe! :)
The plan is to drink an 8 ounce glass of water at the top of the hour, every hour, until the fast is complete.
I am doing this fast for two reasons.
One, I ate like complete rubbish on my cruise and want to purify my system again.
Two, I have absolutely no appetite.
Thank you, Mother Nature. :D
I figure I will get out of dinner by telling my dad I do not feel well and to save me some food to eat later.
Whether I actually ever eat it or not, he will never know. ;)
I will be able to be a wonderful Ana now; I am essentially home alone all day every day during the week, so I do not have to eat a thing if I do not want to!
And I probably will not.
I need to be thin and perfect, and food will not help me achieve that!
I am starting to get a bit of the hunger pangs; time to go drink up!
I will begin commenting on blogs here soon, I promise!
I have a week's worth of entries on multiple blogs, so this will take a while. :)
Stay strong, lovelies! <3

Hours fasted:

12am 1 am 2am 3am 4am 5am 6am 7am 8am 9am 10am 11am 12pm 1pm 2pm 3pm 4pm 5pm

**EDIT 6:01 pm** Fast broken. :( I ate a hotdog with some mustard on a bun and some homemade french fries. Ugh. To compensate for the damage, I plan on doing the following exercise:

- 250 twisting crunches
- 250 regular crunches
- 150 jackknifes
- 75 reps on each arm of dumbbell curls and reverse dumbbell curls (5 lb weights)
- 150 regular push ups

I think that ought to be enough to compensate for that ugly food I consumed. :)

I love water. <3

Day 29 - There Is No Place Like Home

Hello lovelies!
Sorry for my huge hiatus there this past week.
I just now got home from the airport and picking up my assistance dog.
Boy, do I have lots to tell you!
Here is the rundown:

Sunday: Got up at 2:30 am to be in the car and on the road by 4 am. Arrived at the airport at 5:30 am, went through security, and was on the first flight by 7 am. Arrived in Miami after a transfer flight and a bus ride by about 12 pm or so. Got on the ship. The Carnival Valor! So pretty! Left port at 4 pm, spent the night at sea going to shows and things. :)

Monday: Spent another day on the ship at sea. Went to the casino (I love the slot machines!), played bingo, went to comedy shows, and just plain enjoyed myself.

Tuesday: First port of call - The Cayman Islands. Shore excursion number one! Went to a turtle farm, got a guided tour of it, got to pet and hold the turtles, and bought a stuffed one for myself as a souvenir (yes, I am 21 and still love stuffed animals, do not judge me! :P) After that, went to a little town called Hell in Grand Cayman, which is much less impressive than it sounds! Got a t-shirt anyway that said "I've Been to Hell and Back!" Also got a Hell keychain for my car keys, since my other keychain broke. Last thing we did on our shore excursion was go swimming with stingrays....super awesome! Got back on the ship, drank some more, went to more shows.

Wednesday: Second port of call - Isla Roatan, Honduras. Hung out on the beach and did some shopping with my family. It was hot as blazes. I am so lucky I did not get burnt! Got back on the ship, more shows and drinks!

Thursday: Third port of call - Belize. Went on a sightseeing tour with my dad. Went to the oldest cathedral in Belize, got to see part of a church service. Also went to the Belize Museum, saw some really neat exhibits about the history and people of Belize! Again, hot as blazes, but no sunburn! Got back on the ship, went to the big, important show that everyone had to see on board; not as impressive for all the hype it got.

Friday: Final port of call: Cozumel, Mexico. Went on a Jeep tour with my dad, my older sister, and her hubby. AWESOME! Went to the beach, drank Coca-Cola Light (the Mexican version of Diet Coke, apparently) and got a free massage on the beach. Then went to a tequila shop and was able to have as many free shots of tequila as I wanted! Yum! ;) Then went to a shopping plaza. Hot as blazes for the last time, got a little sun but nothing too bad. Got back on the ship, shows and things again.

Saturday: Day at sea. Not much to discuss here.

Sunday: Up at 6:30 am to be out of my stateroom by 8:30 am. Waited on ship until 10 am, got off, took a 40 minute bus ride to Ft. Lauderdale, went through security, hung out in the airport until 2:30 pm when our nonstop flight boarded. Spent two hours in the air. Got to my home airport around 5:30 pm. Spent another hour and a half driving home. Picked up my assistance dog (<<-- much happiness about that) and now I am here.

So yeah.
That is what I have been up to.
I now have the world's worst headache and apparently, my period.
Cheers.
Water fast tomorrow, no appetite anyway!
I will comment blogs at some later point.
I hope you lovelies have been staying strong!
I have missed you all.
It is so good to be home. <3

Our cruise ship, the Carnival Valor. <3

Day 21 - Hello, Sunshine!

Hello lovelies!
Well, this is it.
My family and I leave for Belize, Cozumel, and the Grand Cayman Islands at like 4 am tomorrow, which to me, will be tonight.
I am happy and sad at the same time.
Happy because I will get to explore new places and burn tons of calories doing it.
Sad because I wanted to be smaller by now and I am not.
I totally binged last night.
Easter candy is the spawn of Satan! -_-
But it has thrown me into a new mindset, which is good.
Every time I see a bit of food, I think to myself:
"If I were thin RIGHT NOW, would I eat that?"
Nine times out of 10, the answer is NO.
Therefore, I will not eat it, simply because if I were thin and perfect, it would be a no-no.
And eventually, I WILL be thin and perfect.
My food choices can also be dictated by another simple question:
"What would a thin version of me eat?"
Which is why I threw away the remains of my Easter candy this morning, and why I turned down the coconut crunch cake donuts that my dad bought for breakfast!
The donuts were mini ones, and there were six in a pack.
The whole thing was worth 380 calories!
Thin me would not waste that many calories on one food item alone!
I am thinking about enjoying some crackers, because for some reason, my tummy has been upset with me ever since I got home from university.
Part of me thinks it may be my body adjusting to the switch from dining hall food to home cooking.
But another part of me wonders if the power of my mind is causing my body to act that way.
I am always telling myself how I do not need certain types of food, that they are disgusting and will only serve to undo the hard work I have put in.
So I wonder: Is my mind in some way telling my body how to respond to food?
Is that possible?
I am intrigued now.
I am going to go research this.
And pack.
Yeah, packing would be good.
Last thing I need to start off my vacation is my dad being mad at me because I am not packed.
Let us hope the 85 degree weather every day does not burn me to a crisp; I am a natural redhead [strawberry blonde] so I am as fair-skinned as they come!
Guess I will be loading up on the sunscreen.
Yay?
Oh, and let us not forget the flying.
I hate flying.
Simply because the pressure in the cabin always messes with my head and gives me the worst headaches known to man.
Other than that, I think this will be fun, when I am not wondering if people are looking at me because I am so fat and should not be wearing the clothes I have chosen to wear.
I am taking SHORTS outfits.
Do you KNOW how long it has been since I have worn shorts?
YEARS.
And I am not too keen on wearing them now, but I do not want to sweat to death, because that is icky!
Haha, what can I say?
I am vain. :P
Anywho, I am going to go start packing now.
*sigh*
Have a fantastic day, lovelies!
Hang in there and stay strong! <3

**EDIT 11:38 am**
Food:

- 5 soda crackers (+60 calories)
- 1 graham cracker (+70 calories)

Total: 130 calories :)
Look out, summer, here come the Anas! <3

Day 20 - "It's Friday, Friday, Gotta Get Down on Friday..."

Hello lovelies!
Every Friday when I wake up, this song pops into my head.
If you have absolutely no clue what song I am talking about, watch here: Rebecca Black - Friday
This poor girl is only 13 years old, and she has been receiving DEATH THREATS from people.
I mean, really!
People make me sick sometimes.
My honest opinion?
I like the song.
Sure, she may not be the world's best singer, but she is not the worst I have heard, either.
And you have to admit, the song is catchy!
Anyway, on to another topic!
I found this great website with exercises on it, most of which I can actually do, which is nice.
It was given to me by my PE teacher; you can find it here.
I am really feeling it this morning, especially in my stomach.
Everything feels tight; it is wonderful!
Definitely going to keep up with this!
I have a feeling today is just going to be me unpacking a lot of the stuff that I brought home from university.
This ought to be fun...not!
Oh, hey, I have a question!
Thanks to americaneaglelove for the wonderful idea!
Does anyone want to be my ana buddy?
I sure could use one; I feel like I would do a lot better if I had someone I was being accountable to every time I ate.
And it would not have to be just sharing pitfalls, either; I would love to have someone to celebrate with when good things happened as well!
I hope all of you have a wonderful day!
Hang in there and stay strong, lovelies! <3

**EDIT 6:10 pm** Here is my food tally for so far [I have decided to start doing it so I am more accountable]:

- 1/6 club sandwich w/ cheese, ham, and bacon (+290 calories)
- 1 bowl chicken soup (+60 calories)
- 3 pretzels (+55 calories)
- 1 piece oven baked breaded chicken breast (+190 calories)
- 1/2 serving of rice pilaf (+75 calories)
- 1 can spicy V8 juice (+70 calories)
- 1 ice cream bar (+210 calories)

Total: 950 calories [sigh]

I am SO MAD about that ice cream bar. My dad bought it before I could tell him no and then watched to make sure I ate it. Tomorrow I am eating 500 cals or less, thank you very much!!! ARGH! :'(

What are YOU going to eat today? <3

Day 19 - Hello, Summer!

Hello lovelies!
Well, I am done.
I just finished my last final of my junior year.
Now all that is left to do is to pack up the rest of my stuff and head home!
I am so excited.
My resolution this summer is to develop a good relationship with healthy food.
As for the bad food, like chips, chocolate, and ice cream?
I am breaking up with bad food.
I need to get it out of my life!
I am going to do well with this, I know it.
I am a perfectionist.
I crave control.
I need to be the best.
AND I WILL.
I hope that you all are doing lovely and that you have a fantastic day!
Hang in there and stay strong, lovelies! <3

Haha, this is adorable! But it is so true! YOU ARE SPECIAL! <3

Day 18 - Free Time

Hello lovelies!
I cannot believe it is the middle of the week already!
It seems like just yesterday, I was beginning my week of finals.
And now, tomorrow, I am leaving university for the summer.
It is crazy.
But summer vacation is much needed!
I am continuing my cleaning spree today.
I got all of my clothes packed up last night, now I just need to pack up all the other miscellaneous items that need to go home.
And study for my Philosophy final that is tomorrow at 8:30 am.
I am totally empty at the moment.
And I love it.
Whoever tells me I need food to be happy is a complete liar.
I feel much happier when food and I are not acquainted.
Much more in control, much lighter.
Which is the feeling an Ana craves most. :)
I might as well get ready for my day now.
It will help me not think about food.
Haha!
Have a great day, lovelies.
Hang in there and stay strong! <3

I thought this was lovely. <3

Day 17 - A Light at the End of the Tunnel

Hello lovelies.
So sorry I did not blog yesterday.
I had to do an entire unit for one of my Education classes.
I turned it in, completed, at 10:43 this morning. :D
5 lesson plans, 35 pages worth of work, and 16 hours later, it was done.
Hopefully it was well worth the effort!
My roommate just left for the summer.
I am stuck here alone with all my stuff until Thursday morning.
My dad came up tonight and got my fridge and my TV and my two chairs, so my twin does not have to worry about moving that stuff out when she comes to get me.
She is coming up tomorrow night to get my clothes and such.
Which means that tonight, I clean like a maniac!
Hello there, exercise, I think we need to get better acquainted!
I really need to stop eating.
Seriously.
Food causes me nothing but stress.
I hate food.
GAH!
I would rather starve forever than have that one moment of "pleasure" that eating is supposed to bring you.
What do you lovelies think?
Must.
Not.
Think.
About.
Food.
Off to pack up stuff and watch Supersize vs. Superskinny on YouTube! :D
Hang in there and stay strong, lovelies! <3


So true, indeed. <3

Day 15 - Letting Go of What the World Thinks of Me

Hello lovelies!
It is Sunday.
My weekend is almost over.
I have to take three more finals this week.
So much work to do, so little time!
I have decided that I am going to be the best Ana anyone has ever seen.
I know the tricks, I know the behaviors, because I live them every day.
I do not care what anyone else thinks of my habits.
If they think I am mental, let them.
I will be getting skinny, and they will be feeding their bodies with tons of food and getting FAT.
Something I am not going back to.
EVER.
I had a wonderful, triumphant moment yesterday.
I had to go to a mother-daughter banquet with my mom and sisters.
I wore a dress that was a size 14.
I had my twin sister zip me up.
She said to me, "It is big on you!"
"You could use a 12; you are so skinny now, and I am so jealous!"
Lies, honestly.
I am NOT skinny by any means.
But I suppose I am getting there.
I am not an average sized American woman now, which makes me happy.
The average American woman is a size 14.
I do not want to be average.
I want to be thin, thinner, thinnest.
Perfection. :)
I hope you all have a wonderful Sunday.
Hang in there and stay strong! <3

Love this. <3