I hope you are all doing well on this fine Thursday.
I am doing okay.
Not high, not low.
Just kind of here, ya know?
Ever have days like that?
Today is our "study day" and finals begin tomorrow.
I cannot believe that I am so close to graduation.
I will be graduating next December with my Bachelor's Degree and a teaching license in Special Education.
I do not know how to feel about this.
I am excited to start my career, but uneasy about leaving this place that has been my home away from home for the past four years.
Food and eating wise, I think I have been doing okay.
I have managed not to binge these past couple of days, which is always a good thing.
They have scales in our student center, and I think I am going to sneak and weigh myself today to see if I have lost anything.
I went to see one of the school counselors about my food issues on Tuesday, simply to get my friends off my back.
It went exactly as I expected, and I will not be continuing that sort of thing in the future.
I just do not feel as if I need that sort of help.
The counselor told me I was not at severe medical risk.
I thought to myself, "Well, yeah, because I am still fat. Duh."
She thinks my "problem" will "self-correct" once I go home for the summer and am not in this high-stress environment anymore.
Hahaha!
What problem?
How am I supposed to self-correct a problem that does not exist?
The good thing about being short is that I can hit goal and no one will suspect anything because it is technically on the very cusp of being underweight.
I am supposed to go out to eat lunch with my co-workers from the campus radio station.
I am anxious.
None of them know about my issues with food, save for my best friend S, and it is going to be super awkward eating in front of all of them.
Yes, let us put the eating disordered person in the exact environment which causes them the most stress and anxiety, shall we?
Oy vey.
I will get caught up on comments and things as soon as I get back from my lovely food-filled outing.
May the odds be ever in your favor!
Stay positive, stay beautiful. <3
At one point, when my eating patterns were really terrible, it was my mom that forced me into counseling. I love her to death, and I don't regret anything that's happened along the way, but my first attempt at counseling was, to say the least, even more stressful than not even going. As soon as I walked in there, I felt like I was being judged. I told them my problems, and they "evaluated" me as being only 85% away from being normal. They told my mom I only had minor problems, ones which came with being a teenager and growing up. Even after I told them about my binge/fasting patterns, my suicidal thoughts... Nope, I was 15% away from what a normal person should be and to them that was no threat to my health. And the real icing on the cake, was that my social worker was probably about 5'7, and 110 pounds. The entire time, I was trembling, my heart was racing, I thought I was going to keel over and vomit my insides out onto this woman's feet. All I could think about was "Why the fuck am I here if there's nothing wrong with me? Why the fuck do I feel this way if there's nothing wrong with me?". They gave me a depression pill, sent me home, and told me to come back in a month. If my mom hadn't taken me elsewhere, I might have killed myself before I came back, I swear. Did I mention the depression pill made it all worse? Yeah, I've come to hate anyone with a doctorate.
ReplyDeleteThe good news is, if you are serious about counseling, there are counselors out there who actually are compassionate about what they do. The next woman my mom took me to was a social worker who set up her office in the attic of an old bar. It was comfortable, decorated with delicate Japanese artwork, and she brewed me a cup of tea each time I arrived. She evaluated me with a series of art therapies, and being an artist, I appreciated that a lot more than being put on some decimal scale of sanity. I only went for about two months, but if you can find someone like that, someone who isn't only doing their job for the money, they'll try and understand a little harder what you might be feeling.
Maybe you want to change, maybe you just need someone to help you cope with the way you are, but don't feel discouraged by what one therapy session tells you.
Keep your chin up, and stay lovely. <3
congrats on almost being done! and i hope you have fun at graduation!!! Sorry about the school counselor, they do tend to be useless unless you're massively underweight...
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