Starting fresh...

Good morning lovelies.
You may notice that my layout has gotten an overhaul, as well as my blog name and my blog URL.
Symbolic of a fresh new start.
I want to be the best damn wintergirl there ever has been.
And I shall.
I need to weigh in this morning before I construct my plan.
I need to know my sins before I can attack them and rectify the damage I have done.
Lia has really inspired me.
Is it screwed up that I gain inspiration from a character in a book?
Regardless, she has given me the motivation I needed to take charge of all of this.
I cannot keep screwing up.
I only get this one body, and this one life, so it needs to be exactly how I want it to be.
And it will, in time.
I will do whatever it takes to get there.
Small amounts of food for breakfast and lunch, and then whatever I have to eat for dinner to allay any suspicions that may arise in the future.
And definitely not one calorie over my allowance for the day.
Whatever that will end up being.
Today I promise to get caught up on blogs and comments!
For now, I journey back into the world of sleep briefly before I get up, make some black coffee, and dance with my scale.
The dance of a wintergirl.
Stay positive, stay beautiful. <3

Seriously...read it if you have never. <3

I hate the weekend...

Hello lovelies.
Hope you all are doing well.
Why do I hate the weekend?
Because on the weekend, I binge like a pig.
I cannot keep doing this.
I can feel myself getting heavier, and I hate it.
So I have decided to eat half the calories of my BMR, which is 1462.
Therefore, my new calorie target during the day is 731.
Seems like a reasonable number to me.
And then, as I continue to lose, I will adjust the number accordingly.
Add in drinking the amount of water I am supposed to, which is 73 oz daily, and I should be set.
Oh, and exercising.
At least once a day, if not more!
I am reading Wintergirls, yet again.
I love Lia.
I would much rather be Lia than Cassie, considering the disastrous results of my latest purging efforts.
Lia's BMI is like 16.4.
I could never get that low, but I am thinking of going back to my original goal weight of 93 lbs.
Right there on the brink of underweight.
It should be perfect.
We shall see.
I need to get to my healthy weight before I even think about getting to 93.
Someday, I will achieve it.
We will all achieve our goals.
We can do this!
Hang in there, my lovelies.
Stay positive, stay beautiful. <3

 Wintergirls = AMAZING. <3

I am doing better today...

Good morning, lovelies.
I hope this post finds you well.
I am feeling better this morning.
I still feel as if I got hit by a bus, but I am hanging in there.
Yesterday really freaked me out.
I have never purged blood before.
My boyfriend called me throughout the night to reassure himself that I was still alive.
Today, I am just going to take it easy.
Read books, browse around on YouTube, that sort of thing.
I will also get caught up on blogs today.
I hope that you all are well!
Stay positive, stay beautiful. <3

I like this... <3

Downward spiral...

Purged today for the first time in two weeks.
Vomited blood, figured out I apparently burst an artery in my throat.
I can taste the blood as it pools in my throat.
My boyfriend's mad at me.
I am gonna go lay down.
I hope you all are doing better than I.
Stay positive, stay beautiful. <3

Today is a new day...

And it is mine for the taking!
Good morning, my lovelies.
I am up super early today, partly because I cannot sleep, and partly because my lovely boyfriend decided he was coming to retrieve me at freaking 8 am this morning to kidnap me for the day.
I love him, but 8 am?!
Seriously?
Ugh, that boy.
At least it will get me out of here and keep my mind off how awful yesterday was.
I am still kind of upset about it, but I can only move on from it and do that much better today.
I swear, I am kicking it into overdrive, for real.
No more binge days, no more days without exercise, and no more days of feeling fat and lazy.
From now on, the only thing I am going to feel is fit and as the butterfly inside the chrysalis, changing into something beautiful.
I hope we can all feel that way.
I think that keeping myself adequately hydrated will help a lot.
I am supposed to drink half my body weight in water.
Ugh, not looking forward to it, as I am not partial to the taste of water, and never have been, but you know, gotta do whatever it takes in my pursuit to be thin, beautiful, fit, and the very best I can be.
Food = enemy.
Water = friend.
For the most part, anyway.
I told my boyfriend's mom about my eating disorder yesterday, because I knew it would come out eventually.
It was really hard, considering the daughter she lost to anorexia, but I feel better that she knows about it now.
Of course, she was all like, "You should go see our counselor, I think she could really help you!"
But we all know I am not partial to therapists as far as discussing my eating disorder, so there's a good chance that will never happen.
It makes me feel kind of bad, but the more people that know, the less control I have.
And that control is NOT something I relinquish easily.
Off to get ready for the day and begin my quest, once again, for adequate hydration and perfection!
I am all caught up on blogs, as of now, but I am sure that by the time I return home, you lovelies will have more posts for me to comment on!
And that, I am excited for. :)
Stay positive, stay beautiful! <3

This could not be more true for me today... <3

What an awful day...

Hello my dearest lovelies.
I hope you all had a nice day today.
I did not.
I have been struggling all day.
I gained over the weekend. :(
I am so sad.
146.8.
That is depressing.
Yet I managed to binge today.
What the hell is wrong with me?
I can only hope that tomorrow is better. :\
I do not have much to say today.
I will get caught up on blogs soon.
Stay positive, stay beautiful. <3

That is what I feel like today. I am a hardcore failure, for realz.

Happy Mother's Day!

Hello lovelies.
I hope that any of you who are mothers out there had a fantastic day, and that you all made sure your mother had the Mother's Day they deserve. :)
This eating stuff is getting me down.
I have my "normal" days, and my not-so-normal ones.
Is it sad that I hate my "normal" days and am almost giddy on my not-so-normal ones?
It is like, the less I eat, the happier I feel.
And I am seeing a pattern.
My not-so-normal days are always during the week, while my normal days are on the weekends when I am around my family 24/7.
Sigh.
I kinda hate having normal days.
I just want to lose this weight and become perfect.
And it is not happening fast enough. :(
Bleh.
Going to the mall is always a cause for self-examination.
I am always doing body comparisons with the girls that walk past me.
And they are ALWAYS thinner than I am.
It is so depressing.
I cannot wait for the day when I am on par with those girls.
I have this vision in my head of how I want to/will look when I hit goal.
I will get there.
It is just going to take longer than I thought, because I have zero self-control when I am around my family.
It is like one huge binge when I am with them.
Everything looks amazing, so I have to eat it.
I would much rather restrict than binge.
I do not know why I cannot do that all the time.
Eventually, I will get to where I want to be.
We all will.
We just have to keep our goals in sight.
We can do this!
Stay positive, stay beautiful. <3

This is so inspiring to me, because that right there is my goal weight, and I can only hope I look that amazing! <3