What an awful day...

Hello my dearest lovelies.
I hope you all had a nice day today.
I did not.
I have been struggling all day.
I gained over the weekend. :(
I am so sad.
146.8.
That is depressing.
Yet I managed to binge today.
What the hell is wrong with me?
I can only hope that tomorrow is better. :\
I do not have much to say today.
I will get caught up on blogs soon.
Stay positive, stay beautiful. <3

That is what I feel like today. I am a hardcore failure, for realz.

Happy Mother's Day!

Hello lovelies.
I hope that any of you who are mothers out there had a fantastic day, and that you all made sure your mother had the Mother's Day they deserve. :)
This eating stuff is getting me down.
I have my "normal" days, and my not-so-normal ones.
Is it sad that I hate my "normal" days and am almost giddy on my not-so-normal ones?
It is like, the less I eat, the happier I feel.
And I am seeing a pattern.
My not-so-normal days are always during the week, while my normal days are on the weekends when I am around my family 24/7.
Sigh.
I kinda hate having normal days.
I just want to lose this weight and become perfect.
And it is not happening fast enough. :(
Bleh.
Going to the mall is always a cause for self-examination.
I am always doing body comparisons with the girls that walk past me.
And they are ALWAYS thinner than I am.
It is so depressing.
I cannot wait for the day when I am on par with those girls.
I have this vision in my head of how I want to/will look when I hit goal.
I will get there.
It is just going to take longer than I thought, because I have zero self-control when I am around my family.
It is like one huge binge when I am with them.
Everything looks amazing, so I have to eat it.
I would much rather restrict than binge.
I do not know why I cannot do that all the time.
Eventually, I will get to where I want to be.
We all will.
We just have to keep our goals in sight.
We can do this!
Stay positive, stay beautiful. <3

This is so inspiring to me, because that right there is my goal weight, and I can only hope I look that amazing! <3

Get out of my head!

Good morning lovelies!
I hope this post finds you all well and happy.
My first week of being home on break has concluded.
And I am already bored out of my mind.
I am not surprised by this at all.
But, never fear.
My "enrichment goals" as my boyfriend's mom calls them, shall keep me occupied.
That, and the three Dickens novels I got at the library yesterday. :)
Does anyone else have a taste for classic novels, or am I the only one?
I love Jane Austen, the Brontes, all of it.
My boyfriend is coming to see me today.
He can always make me happy.
You see, no matter how much I manage to forget and push my ex out of my mind, every once in a while, all the crap he put me through surfaces.
He is the reason my eating disorder got bad during college.
I felt I could never be good enough for him.
That is why I starved, why I purged.
And why I still do, minus the purging now.
I need to be good enough.
His memory and the way he manipulated me, still haunts me.
Sigh.
Someday, I will overcome this.
Not today, but someday.
How are you all doing?
Stay positive, stay beautiful. <3

Love the thigh gap; I cannot wait to have one of my own! <3

The fight continues...

Hello lovelies.
How are you all doing?
Things are okay here.
My boyfriend's birthday was yesterday, and I got to spend it with him.
We had a lot of fun.
I can actually have intellectual conversations with him, and it is really wonderful.
I am not used to having that with a guy.
And I love it.
This summer vacation has been pretty lazy so far.
I am really proud, though.
145.4 this morning!
The number keeps going down, and I keep getting happier.
I just want to be in my "healthy" weight range by the end of the summer.
123 lbs. here I come!
Apparently, the last time I saw my boyfriend (before spending his birthday together), I had an episode.
I collapsed, and he had to give me some meds to bring me back around.
By the sounds of it, if it were not for his knowledge that night, I would have died.
It is a little scary to think about, but what is done is done, and I can only move on from here.
I had the episode because I purged, and it did something funky to my heart.
I am happy to say that I have not purged since having that episode, which means it has been a little over two weeks.
I am beginning my self-improvement goals, and I could not be more excited.
It is now time for me to go catch up on your lovely blogs and lives and leave comments!
Stay positive, stay beautiful. <3

It is almost over...

...and for that, I am so glad!
How are you lovelies doing, hm?
I apologize for not being around more, but finals have had to take priority these last few days.
My last final will be over tomorrow at 2 pm, and I cannot wait for that!
Today is just a chill day for me, study a little bit for my finals, watch some movies on YouTube, that sort of thing.
I cannot wait for the summer to begin.
I have lots of self-improvement goals lined up for myself.
One, and most importantly, get into my healthy weight range by the end of the summer.
I know that hitting goal by August will be impossible, so I am trying to approach it in baby steps.
My healthy weight range begins at 123 lbs, so that is going to be my tentative goal for now.
Then, once I get there, UGW, here I come!
My next self-improvement goal is to get my driver's license and spend the whole summer driving around so I get comfortable with it.
I also want to learn French.
And learn to play the flute.
I have to take a test this summer over everything I have learned in my education classes thus far.
It is the test that will determine if I have what it takes to be a good teacher, essentially.
I am either taking it in June or July, I have not decided yet.
I do not really have much of a clue as to what I weigh at this present moment, but when I went home last weekend, my weight was 150.6 lbs.
Not exactly the level of progress I wanted to see, but any loss in a storm, right?
Haha!
So what have you lovelies been up to?
I plan on getting caught up on blogs and comments today.
Stay positive, stay beautiful!

Haha, love it. <3

The end is in sight!

Hello lovelies!
I hope you are all doing well on this fine Thursday.
I am doing okay.
Not high, not low.
Just kind of here, ya know?
Ever have days like that?
Today is our "study day" and finals begin tomorrow.
I cannot believe that I am so close to graduation.
I will be graduating next December with my Bachelor's Degree and a teaching license in Special Education.
I do not know how to feel about this.
I am excited to start my career, but uneasy about leaving this place that has been my home away from home for the past four years.
Food and eating wise, I think I have been doing okay.
I have managed not to binge these past couple of days, which is always a good thing.
They have scales in our student center, and I think I am going to sneak and weigh myself today to see if I have lost anything.
I went to see one of the school counselors about my food issues on Tuesday, simply to get my friends off my back.
It went exactly as I expected, and I will not be continuing that sort of thing in the future.
I just do not feel as if I need that sort of help.
The counselor told me I was not at severe medical risk.
I thought to myself, "Well, yeah, because I am still fat. Duh."
She thinks my "problem" will "self-correct" once I go home for the summer and am not in this high-stress environment anymore.
Hahaha!
What problem?
How am I supposed to self-correct a problem that does not exist?
The good thing about being short is that I can hit goal and no one will suspect anything because it is technically on the very cusp of being underweight.
I am supposed to go out to eat lunch with my co-workers from the campus radio station.
I am anxious.
None of them know about my issues with food, save for my best friend S, and it is going to be super awkward eating in front of all of them.
Yes, let us put the eating disordered person in the exact environment which causes them the most stress and anxiety, shall we?
Oy vey.
I will get caught up on comments and things as soon as I get back from my lovely food-filled outing.
May the odds be ever in your favor!
Stay positive, stay beautiful. <3

I can only hope I look like that someday...

I have a habit of disappearing...

Hello lovelies.
I hope that you are all well and that this post finds you in a positive mood.
I have missed you all oh so very much.
Mood wise, I have my up days and my down ones.
Weight wise, I am a fatty.
153 lbs. according to the scale at Urgent Care when they weighed me on Thursday.
I had to go to Urgent Care because I screwed up my ankle.
But with some pain meds and an Ace wrap, I can at least walk on the damn thing now.
I need to get this under control, this whole weight and eating thing.
I am so tired of being fat, I am so tired of gaining weight.
This is ridiculous.
If I am going to do this, and do it right, I gotta commit.
And so I am.
Right now.
I will do whatever it takes to achieve my goal weight and keep the weight off.
I do not care if people think I am too thin once I get there.
I will be happy, and that is all that matters.
How are you lovelies doing?
I am going to go post some comments now. :)
Stay positive, stay beautiful! <3

Someday I hope my legs look that amazing.