The end is in sight!

Hello lovelies!
I hope you are all doing well on this fine Thursday.
I am doing okay.
Not high, not low.
Just kind of here, ya know?
Ever have days like that?
Today is our "study day" and finals begin tomorrow.
I cannot believe that I am so close to graduation.
I will be graduating next December with my Bachelor's Degree and a teaching license in Special Education.
I do not know how to feel about this.
I am excited to start my career, but uneasy about leaving this place that has been my home away from home for the past four years.
Food and eating wise, I think I have been doing okay.
I have managed not to binge these past couple of days, which is always a good thing.
They have scales in our student center, and I think I am going to sneak and weigh myself today to see if I have lost anything.
I went to see one of the school counselors about my food issues on Tuesday, simply to get my friends off my back.
It went exactly as I expected, and I will not be continuing that sort of thing in the future.
I just do not feel as if I need that sort of help.
The counselor told me I was not at severe medical risk.
I thought to myself, "Well, yeah, because I am still fat. Duh."
She thinks my "problem" will "self-correct" once I go home for the summer and am not in this high-stress environment anymore.
Hahaha!
What problem?
How am I supposed to self-correct a problem that does not exist?
The good thing about being short is that I can hit goal and no one will suspect anything because it is technically on the very cusp of being underweight.
I am supposed to go out to eat lunch with my co-workers from the campus radio station.
I am anxious.
None of them know about my issues with food, save for my best friend S, and it is going to be super awkward eating in front of all of them.
Yes, let us put the eating disordered person in the exact environment which causes them the most stress and anxiety, shall we?
Oy vey.
I will get caught up on comments and things as soon as I get back from my lovely food-filled outing.
May the odds be ever in your favor!
Stay positive, stay beautiful. <3

I can only hope I look like that someday...

I have a habit of disappearing...

Hello lovelies.
I hope that you are all well and that this post finds you in a positive mood.
I have missed you all oh so very much.
Mood wise, I have my up days and my down ones.
Weight wise, I am a fatty.
153 lbs. according to the scale at Urgent Care when they weighed me on Thursday.
I had to go to Urgent Care because I screwed up my ankle.
But with some pain meds and an Ace wrap, I can at least walk on the damn thing now.
I need to get this under control, this whole weight and eating thing.
I am so tired of being fat, I am so tired of gaining weight.
This is ridiculous.
If I am going to do this, and do it right, I gotta commit.
And so I am.
Right now.
I will do whatever it takes to achieve my goal weight and keep the weight off.
I do not care if people think I am too thin once I get there.
I will be happy, and that is all that matters.
How are you lovelies doing?
I am going to go post some comments now. :)
Stay positive, stay beautiful! <3

Someday I hope my legs look that amazing.

Ugh, it never gets easier.

Hello lovelies.
I hope you are all doing splendidly.
I feel like a big fat balloon.
My last known weight is 148 lbs.
I cannot stomach this.
Less food, more exercise!
You know, when I watched "A Secret Between Friends", I always remembered Jenn saying that she felt lighter and faster when she ate less.
I was not sure about the validity of this statement.
But it is actually true.
I feel pretty damn invincible when I do not eat.
Therefore, no food for as long as I can help it.
The hunger is more annoying than anything else at this point.
The tummy growls give me away every time; any clues on how to minimize these when you are trying to eat less?
Other than being a fatty, I am not doing too badly these days.
I promise to get caught up on everything when I have some time.
Oh, and my new favorite series I found online is What's Eating You, about people with different ED's.
But anyway, just wanted to post a quick update.
I love all of you so much!
Stay positive, stay beautiful! <3

I promise, I'm not dead...

Hello lovelies.
Between school, work, and sickness, my blog has fallen by the wayside.
Sincerest apologies from me.
As far as the weight ordeal, I am gaining for sure.
I have been going back and forth between bingeing and starving and have not the faintest idea how to break this damn cycle.
Any thoughts?
Um, I have been talking to this new guy I met on an online dating site (do not judge, lol, though I know you will not)
School has been crazy hectic, I have had a lot of my first exams this week in my different classes.
And I either have the flu or a nasty sinus infection.
The jury is still out.
This weekend I am going formal dress shopping with mi madre.
Excited because I have a lot more options now that I am smaller, mad because I am still not happy!
I will let you lovelies know if I find anything good. :)
I am going to comment on blogs now, darn it!
I will be weighing myself sometime this weekend, if I do not do it tonight.
Hope all is going well for all of you!!!
I have missed you.
Stay positive, stay beautiful. <3


Something about this picture just strikes me...I love it. <3

Day 264 - Suspended Animation

Hello lovelies.
Hope this post finds you well.
How is your 2012 going so far?
Mine is...okay.
I need to get out of here and get back to school.
Yet I also want to stay here forever.
I love my lazy days.
I have to pack tonight and tomorrow.
I start work again on Thursday morning, which means I move back tomorrow evening.
This is good, and bad.
Bad because I actually have to start doing things and worrying about stuff again.
Good because, well, I can be sneaky. ;)
I can get away with a lot more at school.
I really need to get back into shape.
I have the visions in my head of what I want to look like at goal swimming in my head.
Along with the inspiration from Lexi, Jenn, and Lia. ;)
Kudos if you can figure out what references I am making.
And God's guidance too.
I asked Him not to let me fall in love again unless it was with the guy He wanted me to be with forever.
I always had these preconceived notions of the guy I thought I would end up with.
I am learning, slowly, to let those notions go and to keep an open mind.
I know, eventually, the right one will come into my life.
As my mom says, when I least expect it.
Until then, my reinvention shall continue to commence.
For me, and no one else.
Make it happen.
Shock everyone.
Stay positive, stay beautiful. <3

Day 262 - HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Hello lovelies!
Happy New Year!
I hope this post finds you all well.
I spent my New Year's Eve getting drunk with my aunts, haha.
I have tons of goals for myself this year!
Let the list commence!
1. Eat to live, not live to eat.
2. Exercise every day.
3. Stay hydrated!
4. Do not rely so much on the scale.
5. Cut back on the food.
6. Dress to inspire confidence in yourself.
7. No more biting your nails!
8. Be more positive and sociable.
9. Being clean is good.
10. Take better care of Jen. (my assistance dog)
11. Be less of a procrastinator.
12. Get closer to God.
13. Stay away from alcohol.
14. Sleep.
15. Be more frugal.
I am super excited to begin!
I hope you are all having a fantastic New Year! :)
Stay positive, stay beautiful. <3

Food:
- 1 cup green beans (+44 calories)
- 1 cup mashed potatoes w/ 1/2 cup gravy (+236 calories)
- 1 cup noodles (+221 calories)
- 1 chicken leg (+264 calories)
- 1 chicken thigh (+153 calories)
- 1 roll with 1 tbsp. butter (+167 calories)

Total: 1,085 calories

Day 259 - Reasons

Good morning lovelies.
I hope this post finds you all well and enjoying the day.
Me?
I am okay, all things considered.
I still want to beat my head off a wall anytime I hear one of our songs,I do not have much of an appetite, and I still catch myself thinking of him in the fleeting hours of the morning, but other than that, I am dealing.
Today I am going to post my list of reasons for getting thin and perfect in the new year.
So...

"My Incentives to Achieve Perfection"
1. First and foremost, boys are stupid. I am not going to be perfect for any guy. I am going to be perfect for myself, and myself alone.
2. I want to be healthier. As of now, I am overweight, and I want to get my BMI into a healthier range.
3. I want to be able to wear anything. I see so many cute clothes these days, and I cannot wear them because I am a size 10 instead of a 2, a L instead of a S or XS.
4. I want to be more confident in my own skin. Honestly, I have never been proud of the way that I look, and it is time for that to change.
5. I just want to be happy again. I think gaining confidence is definitely going to help with that.

That is my list.
Hooray.
I am going to go comment on blogs today, because I have missed doing it.
I hope you all have a wonderful day.
I love you all so much!
Stay positive, stay beautiful! <3

Food:
- 1 biscuit with butter and honey (252 calories)
- 1 Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki 6" sub from Subway (370 calories)

Total: 622 calories thus far (1:32 pm)