Day 45 - Back Into It

Hello lovelies!
Hope you are all having a wonderful day so far!
Yesterday was fun, but not.
Fun because I got to see my family, but not fun because of all the food I ate.
I feel heavier this morning, which definitely does not make me happy.
Every time I let loose and eat whatever I want within reason, it reminds me of why I changed my diet to only healthy foods in the first place.
When I eat a whole bunch of unhealthy food, I feel sluggish and tired and just plain sick, and I am craving food again within two to three hours after I have eaten.
When I eat healthy foods, I feel light, satisfied, and just really good.
Huge difference.
I like eating healthy food a lot better, because not only do I feel better about it, I feel better because of it.
And let us not forget the water!
That is a huge part of it, too.
It is the key, really.
When you are well hydrated, your body looks and feels so much better, and you have so much more energy.
That is why I stay away from the juices, sodas, and vitamin waters.
It is just like I told my boyfriend: I do not drink my calories, I eat them.
I feel like any calories I drink are empty ones, and I am not going to waste my calorie budget if I am not getting any benefit from it.
Anyway, I think I am going to go get ready for the day, eat some yogurt, and enjoy the beautiful sunshine. :)
Have a great day, lovelies; hang in there and stay strong! <3

Food:
- 1 chicken, bacon, and cheese Lean Pocket (+280 calories)
- 1/4 cup indulgent trail mix (+200 calories)
- 1 serving rigatoni pasta (+210 calories)
- 1 serving four cheese spaghetti sauce (+50 calories)
- 3 turkey meatballs (+120 calories)
- 1 piece garlic bread (+180 calories)
- 1 push up (+90 calories)
- 7 honey wheat pretzel twists (+77 calories)
Total: 1,207/1,208 calories

Water: 44/76 fl. oz.

This picture really resonated with me today... <3

Day 44 - American Pride

Good morning lovelies.
A very happy Memorial Day to you all!
Today is a day when we celebrate many things.
We celebrate our soldiers, whether active or veteran.
To me, each and every soldier is a hero.
We will never know the true extent of the sacrifices soldiers make when fighting for our country.
Today, we celebrate those sacrifices.
We celebrate the contributions that soldiers have made to our nation.
But, perhaps most importantly, we also celebrate our national pride.
And when I think about it, we should not just celebrate our national pride today.
We should celebrate it EVERY day.
Why does our celebration of our national pride always have to involve so much food?
Hot dogs, hamburgers, potato salad, pasta salad, scalloped potatoes, noodles, strawberry shortcake, torte, the list goes on and on.
The majority of my extended family is either overweight or obese.
They love food.
Sigh.
I guess I love food, too, I just have the willpower to say no.
I am feeling really good today.
I think it is because I ate more.
I was chugging water like nobody's business yesterday, haha!
I am supposed to drink 76 fl. oz. of water every day.
Half my body weight.
Cheers.
I hope you all have a fantastic Memorial Day and that the weather is beautiful wherever you are so that you can go outside and enjoy it!
Hang in there and stay strong, lovelies. <3

Food:
- 1 container Yoplait Light Strawberry Shortcake yogurt (+110 calories)
- 1 kielbasa sandwich (+374 calories)
- 1/2 cup onion potatoes (+110 calories)
- 1/2 cup cheesy potatoes with bacon (+240 calories)
- 1/2 cup pasta salad (+160 calories)
- 1 cup pineapple and strawberries with 2 tbsp. fruit dip (+134 calories)
- 1/2 cup taco dip w/ 10 Tostitos Scoops (+200 calories)
- 1/2 piece butterscotch pie (+105 calories)
- 1 piece chocolate pie (+141 calories)
- 1 piece ice cream cake (+500 calories)
- 2 cheese stuffed pretzels (+130 calories)
Total: 2,204/1,334 calories

FML I HATE THE FLIPPING HOLIDAYS. Gain, gain, gain. >.<

Water: 32/76 fl. oz.

"And I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free. And I won't forget the men who died, who gave that right to me. And I'll gladly stand up next to you, and defend her still today. 'Cause there ain't no doubt, I love this land...God bless the USA."

Day 43 - Change.

Hello lovelies.
Hope you are all having a wonderful day thus far.
Thank you so much for all of your comments on my post yesterday; your insight has given me a lot to think about.
Yesterday was not exactly fun.
We went to a sit down place for lunch and I ate like 3 rolls, my huge sandwich, and half my steak fries.
We also went to Hollister, which seems to be my own personal hell.
I could never fit into any of their clothes with the way that I am now.
But I did get some cute things at Aeropostale, and I actually went into American Eagle for the first time ever, since I think I can fit into their clothes now. :)
I went on a bit of a binge last night.
I know I gained this morning, I can feel it.
I am making some more changes to my daily plan.
It is obvious to me that eating between 500 and 800 calories a day is not enough food for me to lose weight like I should be.
So I am going to up my calories a little bit and see if that speeds things along.
I am also going to add more reps of everything to my workout plan, and do it three times a day.
I calculated how many calories I am supposed to be eating every day.
It says for extreme fat loss, I should be eating 1,333 calories every day.
It also gave me a calorie zig-zag plan for one week.
It goes a little something like this:
Monday: 1,334 calories
Tuesday: 1,208 calories
Wednesday: 1,600 calories
Thursday: 1,334 calories
Friday: 1,208 calories
Saturday: 1,467 calories
Sunday: 1,334 calories
Now, it may seem like a lot to you, but I am up for trying anything at this point.
I am going to start today, and weigh in one week.
If I have lost weight, that tells me that eating more is the way to go.
I guess we will see what happens.
I wish you all best of luck today!
Hang in there and stay strong, lovelies. <3

Food:
- 1 piece steak (+575 calories; this is why I do not ever eat this stuff)
- 10 sweet potato fries (+140 calories; did not like them too well)
- 1 1/2 cups broccoli (+45 calories)
- 1 push up (+90 calories)
- 10 saltines (+120 calories)
- 1/4 cup indulgent trail mix (+200 calories)
- 10 honey wheat pretzel twists (+110 calories)

Total: 1,280/1,334 calories

Water: 44/76 fl. oz.

Yup, looks like it is time for change... <3

Day 42 - Say What?

Hello lovelies.
I hope you are all having a wonderful day so far.
I just weighed myself, and I am incredibly confused.
148.8?!
Say what, now?
What am I doing wrong? :\
Why am I GAINING weight?
I have been doing so well, eating less and exercising more, not eating junk food, not drinking soda.
Part of me thinks I should just abandon the scale entirely for a while.
Keep doing what I am doing, but do not weigh obsessively.
Keep alert for changes in my body, instead of going by the number on the scale.
It is going to be so hard to do, because for so long, my days have been dictated by the number that pops up on that scale each morning.
Eventually, I am hoping that I will find the right combination of intake and exercise that will finally allow this weight to steadily drop off of me.
God knows, I deserve it!
I have been working so hard, and to keep seeing myself GAIN?
Talk about depressing.
Sigh.
I want to go do something today.
I want to go buy myself a book, watch a movie, go shopping, something.
But then, that would feel like a reward.
Which I partially feel like I do not deserve, since all I have been doing is gaining weight, not losing it.
I hate this.
I want to break the cycle so badly.
I am not giving up.
But I cannot help but wonder if I am going to be in this exact same situation 12 weeks from now when I move back to university.
I guess only time and hard work will tell.
Have a fantastic day, lovelies.
Hang in there and stay strong! <3

**EDIT 5:26 pm** Ahem. I am never eating again. At least, I am never eating out again. We went to Texas Roadhouse for lunch and I have THE worst heartburn ever. This is awful. I realize now why I only eat healthy foods these days. As if that were not bad enough, we had to get a birthday present for my cousin and we went to freaking Hollister. I could fit one arm in their large tops. Nothing XL in the entire store. Only an anorexic girl or a teenybopper could fit into that stuff and pull it off. Oh, the irony. :\

I will try my hardest to break the cycle...I am stronger than it is. <3

Day 41 - Reinvent Yourself

Hello lovelies.
I apologize for my uber depressing post late last night.
I was (obviously) really low and did not know where else to turn for support.
I did not want to talk to my boyfriend about it because I thought he felt like everyone else did, that I was an annoyance.
But I got texts and voicemails from him asking me to call him because he missed me.
So I did.
And that was rough.
I found it ironic at one point, though.
See, he has a bit of disordered eating as well, but the reverse of mine.
He is prone to binge eating.
At one point in our conversation, he was trying to give me diet advice.
I was chuckling to myself.
The binge eater giving the anorexic advice about food.
Hahaha!
I love him though, because all he was trying to do was help.
I would not change him for anything.
He is mine and I love him. :)
I do not know what to say about my weight today.
I weighed three different times, got three different weights.
147.6, 146.8, 148.2.
So I do not know what I weigh today.
I am not going to worry about it for the moment.
I was thinking last night as I was trying to sleep what I should do with the negative feedback I got from my mom and sister; they are the ones I was with when I went out to dinner last night.
I came to a conclusion.
I am going to use their feedback as motivation to reinvent myself.
I am going to ramp up the exercise regime to three times a day: once before breakfast, once after lunch, and once after dinner.
I am only going to eat unless I am being watched.
And then, I am only going to eat half of everything, unless it is fruit, veg, or calcium.
Absolutely no junk foods.
Absolutely no soda, not even diet.
Let us see how far I can get this summer.
I am going to do this.
I am going to reinvent myself.
I have the determination, drive, and strength to do this.
Bring it on, world.
Let us see how radically one girl can change herself in 12 weeks.
Let's go. <3

Food:
-1/2 a regular Arby's roast beef sandwich (+180 calories)
- 1 Arby's potato cake (+130 calories)
- 1 crescent cheese dog roll up (+340 calories)
Total: 650 calories

I had to write down the calorie information for the crescent cheese dog while the ingredients were still in the fridge. Did not want to arouse suspicion by rooting through the trash afterward for the wrappers! My mom made another comment at lunch when I did not finish my roast beef sandwich. She made a face and said, "You really cannot eat a whole sandwich?" To which I replied, "I do not WANT to eat a whole sandwich." I watched in satisfaction as she gulped down the biggest size of sweet tea Arby's had to offer, a regular roast beef, a potato cake, AND a cherry turnover, while all I ate was half a sandwich and one potato cake. :) Her lunch total: 1,110 calories. My lunch total: 310 calories. VICTORY IS MINE!

Soooo....my dad brought me a square of the chocolate peanut butter dessert that my mom made. I called on a classic ana trick. I smeared the dessert around the plate so that the plate was messy enough to look like I had actually eaten it, then I smushed it up, put it in some toilet paper, and flushed it. Then I walked out to the kitchen, said to my mom, "That was really quite good. Messy as all get out, but really good.", showed her my messy plate, and cleaned it. I am so proud of myself. WIN! :D

Water: 24.9 fl. oz.

The picture says it all... <3

Day 40 Pt. 2 - Failure.

Anyone else want to yell at me because I cannot finish a meal?
Anyone else want to yell at me because I had difficulty eating breaded cauliflower?
Anyone else want to yell at me because I do not want to eat junk food?
Anyone else want to force me to finish food I am not comfortable eating?
Anyone else want to make me feel like a complete flipping idiot?

Cannot stop crying. Just want to give up.
Help.
HELP ME. :'( </3

Day 40 - And This is Why We Do It...

Hello lovelies!
Hope you are all having a fantastic Thursday!
I am much happier and less blah than I was yesterday.
I woke up to a loss this morning, yay!
147.6 today. :)
I am happy I lost weight, but I would love to see a number other than 148 or 147 on that scale.
I guess I need to ramp up the exercise even more.
I do not know about you, but when I see a loss, it encourages me a) not to eat b) to drink more water and c) to exercise more.
Because this is why we Anas do what we do.
To see a loss on that scale.
No matter how big or small it is, it is still a loss.
And that is what we crave.
Because it means we are doing something right.
I do not know about you, but I think I am kind of territorial in the weight loss department.
Let me explain, if that did not make sense.
I feel like losing weight is MY thing, what I am best at.
Whenever I learn that someone else is trying to lose weight, say, my roommate for instance, I get incredibly competitive.
I work as hard as I can, always, because I strive to be smaller and have more progress than the other person losing weight.
BECAUSE I HAVE TO BE THE BEST AT THIS.
I am an Ana.
This is supposed to be one of the things I am good at.
Losing weight, and keeping it off.
When I feel like someone is honing in on my territory and threatening my chances of being number one, I am out for blood.
I will do anything in my power to make sure I am the most successful.
Wow, looking at that, I think I sound kind of scary.
I think I may have over-exaggerated my competitiveness a bit.
But do you understand where I am coming from?
Are any of the rest of you this way when it comes to weight loss?
Today is going to be full of water, exercise, and distractions.
I notice I sleep a lot.
Because when you sleep, you do not have to be physically tempted by food.
Cheers to that!
Anyway, off to comment blogs now!
Hope all of you have a fantastic day!
Hang in there and stay strong, lovelies. <3

Food:
- 5 saltines (+60 calories)
- 1 Ham & Cheddar Lean Pocket (+270 calories)
- 1 cup applesauce (+194 calories)
- 1/2 cup breaded cauliflower (+232 calories)
- 1 roll w/ butter spread (+122 calories)
- 2 grilled chicken breasts without skin/breading (+240 calories)
Total: 1,118 calories

What do I have to lose? The stupid fat girl who is trapping the skinny girl inside me! <3